A week or so ago, I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and we were discussing (as often seems to happen these days) my discontent with my job, my longing to be out, my efforts to find a teaching position. She asked me, “What do you really want? What is your heart’s desire?”
I knew what she was getting at. I had once expressed that my true desire was to be a homemaker. I wanted to stay home and keep a clean house and prepare good meals and do projects and volunteer. But I pushed that desire down, buried it, because our financial reality does not allow for such dreams. So I’m working toward going back to teaching, and looking for a teaching job. I think she was asking me, do I really want to teach? Or do I really, truly, want to be a full-time homemaker?
“What is your heart’s desire?” she asked me. “Because that’s what I want to pray for.”
I told her I didn’t think it mattered what I want. God knows my heart better than I do, so it doesn’t matter what I think I want. He will do what is best and I will realize that it is what I wanted. When I said this to her, I said it with bitterness — with the idea that God doesn’t really want my input.
I fought with this idea for a week, knowing that it was sort of true, but also realizing that something about the way I was interpreting the truth was wrong. Twisted. Because the truth should not bring bitterness but contentment and freedom.
So I prayed about it, asking God to show me the real truth, not the twisted truth that was making me cold. I wanted to pray, not a grouchy, “Whatever, God,” but a humble “Your will be done, whatever it is, whatever it looks like, because you know me, you know my heart.”
When I was in college, I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a man. I had the man I was going to marry all picked out — I just hadn’t met him yet. And then Chef took me by surprise and blew my list out of the water. Because God knew what I wanted — and needed — better than I did.
And that’s just one example.
Through praying and really, truly, earnestly trying to let loose of all the control I try to have, God has reassured me that he really does love me and have my best interests in mind. Not just my best interests — my heart’s desire.
A while back, he asked me to trust him. At the time, I thought it was just to trust him in regards to jobs and finances. But I kind of think it’s more than that. God wants me to trust him with everything.
That’s hard. That’s scary.
Until I really, truly, earnestly understand that God is bigger than anything I can fear, and (here’s the kicker) he loves me.