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My Heart’s Desire

A week or so ago, I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and we were discussing (as often seems to happen these days) my discontent with my job, my longing to be out, my efforts to find a teaching position.  She asked me, “What do you really want? What is your heart’s desire?”

I knew what she was getting at.  I had once expressed that my true desire was to be a homemaker.  I wanted to stay home and keep a clean house and prepare good meals and do projects and volunteer.  But I pushed that desire down, buried it, because our financial reality does not allow for such dreams.  So I’m working toward going back to teaching, and looking for a teaching job.  I think she was asking me, do I really want to teach?  Or do I really, truly, want to be a full-time homemaker?

“What is your heart’s desire?” she asked me.  “Because that’s what I want to pray for.”

I told her I didn’t think it mattered what I want.  God knows my heart better than I do, so it doesn’t matter what I think I want.  He will do what is best and I will realize that it is what I wanted.  When I said this to her, I said it with bitterness — with the idea that God doesn’t really want my input.

I fought with this idea for a week, knowing that it was sort of true, but also realizing that something about the way I was interpreting the truth was wrong.  Twisted.  Because the truth should not bring bitterness but contentment and freedom.

So I prayed about it, asking God to show me the real truth, not the twisted truth that was making me cold.  I wanted to pray, not a grouchy, “Whatever, God,” but a humble “Your will be done, whatever it is, whatever it looks like, because you know me, you know my heart.”

When I was in college, I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a man.  I had the man I was going to marry all picked out — I just hadn’t met him yet.  And then Chef took me by surprise and blew my list out of the water.  Because God knew what I wanted — and needed — better than I did.

And that’s just one example.

Through praying and really, truly, earnestly trying to let loose of all the control I try to have, God has reassured me that he really does love me and have my best interests in mind.  Not just my best interests — my heart’s desire.

A while back, he asked me to trust him.  At the time, I thought it was just to trust him in regards to jobs and finances.  But I kind of think it’s more than that.  God wants me to trust him with everything.

That’s hard.  That’s scary.

Until I really, truly, earnestly understand that God is bigger than anything I can fear, and (here’s the kicker) he loves me.

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About Karen Koch

I like the old-fashioned lifestyle. All this new-fangled stuff baffles me sometimes. I cherish living out in the country, raising chickens and rabbits, planting fruit trees, and enjoying a slow life filled with beautiful words and ideas. I don't always achieve a slow life. I teach middle school English and manage a little burgeoning farm with my husband, and somewhere in the midst of that, I try to find time for writing, running, knitting, reading, and playing the ukulele. And sometimes, I actually succeed.

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